Is there a theme here?

I've been on a "blogging about personal struggles" kick lately, it seems. I'm sure I'll be back to hotdogs in tomato soup in no time. But we all need balance, and, well, life isn't always hotdogs in tomato soup. (Thank goodness.)

I keep hearing that God will continue to present you with tests until you have learned what you're supposed to from them. The ol' "struggle with control and trusting in God" issue seems to be rearing it's ugly head again.

You see, I like to be in charge. I am GOOD at being in charge. Delegation? Organization? My strong points. I mean, you are reading the blog of someone who organizes her closet by COLOR. So this whole "Guess-what-sister-you-are-not-running-this-show" message that I keep getting from God is hard. To. Deal with. Because I feel like I'm being turned inside out. And I am terrified of what will happen if I let go. Terrified. But it's getting to the point where I'm MORE terrified of what will happen if I don't.

Because while I seem to be doing a fabulous job of organizing my closet, the amount of time I've spent in tears over the past week or so makes me think I'm not quite as good at running my life as I'd like to think.

That being said, I'm about to share something a bit personal. Because, well, this is my blog. SEE HOW MUCH I LIKE CONTROLLING THINGS? I didn't even mean to type that. OK. I can control my closet and this blog. But that's it. Anyway. I realized some time ago that my periods of meditation aren't going to be periods of quiet emptiness. They actually tend to resemble something akin to conversation. Excerpt:

Me: "Well, you see, I've been trying really hard to..."

- "Have you?"

Me: "Yes! I think so... OK. Good point. I THOUGHT I was trying to let go and know that when You close a door You open a window and all that - but I'm so anxious sometimes. What if I'm not cut out to be a nurse? What if I'm not smart enough for school what if I don't make friends what if I let myself settle into being happy and actually BELIEVE that I can have the life I've always wanted (you don't mind a cliché, do you?) and then it all gets RUINED?"

- Laughter.

Me: "What??"

- "Haven't we been over this before?"

Me: "Yes."

- "OK. Let's start over. Let Me do this. I'm good at it. Better at it than you are, even. Trust Me. Trust. Me."

"O SON OF BEING! With the hands of power I made thee and with the fingers of strength I created thee; and within thee have I placed the essence of My light. Be thou content with it and seek naught else, for My work is perfect and My command is binding. Question it not, nor have a doubt thereof." - Bahá'u'lláh, The Hidden Words