Solo

Solo - Not many words match their definitions like that one does. If you say it slowly enough - it can go from "solo" to "so low" and become the first part of "so lonely." In one sense, though, I wonder if I was more lonely in a "relationship" than I will be out of one.

I have to think that - in fact, I know that - it is possible to just "click" with someone, and knowing that made me less and less happy to continue to settle.

Relationships are hard because people are naturally prone to care about the opinions of others - and so many of those are conflict with what we may want to believe:

"You should know better."

"The soul wanders in the dark, until it finds love. And so where love goes, there we find our soul."

"I'm just cynical after all these years."

"It always happens?"

"You're not always going to love someone."

"It always happens - if we're lucky. And if we let ourselves be blind."

We try to date the people our friends think we should, or the one our mom sets us up with, or the person who's been a friend for years (but never really anything more) just because we feel pressure from Everyone Whose Opinions Matter - meanwhile, we completely ignore our hearts and listen to the "voice of reason" without realizing that sometimes it's OK for love to be insane and distorted - that it can't be vital if it operates within the normal threshold of day-to-day existence.

After two emotional hours on the phone today, two things happened. One, my phone shorted out because I'd been crying into it, and kept opening up strange screens seemingly with a mind of its own.

Two, I realized how liberating it is to know what I need, and also to know when that's not there and when it's time to let go.

I feel emotionally drained, but peaceful. I can't help thinking that this End is somehow the beginning of Something Important.