To myself at 17.

Hey Em,
You've never liked wasting time on sugarcoating, so we'll jump straight to the point. Just so you know - you are much too young to worry as much as you do. Learn to live in the moment. Sure, planning is never a bad thing - but try to focus less on what's going to happen tomorrow, or next month, or in college, or after college, or when you're 50, or when you're old.

Spend more time with your best friends. Time with them will be different as you all start getting older, entering careers, marrying, and having children. Also realize, though, that some friendships will grow with you, and others won't. Learn how to recognize which relationships are healthy - and which ones to let go.

Let mom and dad work out their relationship on their own. Know that their divorce WILL skew your view of relationships - but it will skew it in such a way that you will be all the more determined to fight to make yours a good one.

Accept early on that you're probably not going to be in the same career forever. So do your best in bakery science and give communications a try. When you're 22, you're going to think you're "too old" to change your major. At 22, you are practically larvae. (Yes, dear readers, I realize that at 27 I'm not exactly Little Ms. Old and Experienced either, so please stop snickering.) You are never too old to change your major, or start another career, or go back to school. For now, though, stick with it, and always remember that you don't know what's at the end of this path. You can't go into healthcare yet, but there's a good reason for that. And you will eventually, so just be patient with the whole bakery science thing and appreciate the friendships (and the knowledge of muffins) that you'll build there.

Finally, learn to communicate - really communicate. Realize that being assertive is not the same as being mean. Don't take good relationships for granted. Learn to maintain friendships - and realize that even though you've lost touch with someone, odds are they'd still appreciate knowing you're thinking of them, even years later. Don't date people to fix them. Don't date people who make you feel like less of a person. Don't ever be afraid to hold fast to your beliefs. You have a strong sense of intuition - follow that. Know that it's OK to question your faith. Know that the right faith will encourage questioning. Finally - love yourself for who you are, and learn to recognize your own perfection. Do not be afraid of your own success, for by doing so, you'll cause yourself to fail.

With love and hope,
Your future self

P.S. You will never regret not getting a tattoo.

Is there a theme here?

I've been on a "blogging about personal struggles" kick lately, it seems. I'm sure I'll be back to hotdogs in tomato soup in no time. But we all need balance, and, well, life isn't always hotdogs in tomato soup. (Thank goodness.)

I keep hearing that God will continue to present you with tests until you have learned what you're supposed to from them. The ol' "struggle with control and trusting in God" issue seems to be rearing it's ugly head again.

You see, I like to be in charge. I am GOOD at being in charge. Delegation? Organization? My strong points. I mean, you are reading the blog of someone who organizes her closet by COLOR. So this whole "Guess-what-sister-you-are-not-running-this-show" message that I keep getting from God is hard. To. Deal with. Because I feel like I'm being turned inside out. And I am terrified of what will happen if I let go. Terrified. But it's getting to the point where I'm MORE terrified of what will happen if I don't.

Because while I seem to be doing a fabulous job of organizing my closet, the amount of time I've spent in tears over the past week or so makes me think I'm not quite as good at running my life as I'd like to think.

That being said, I'm about to share something a bit personal. Because, well, this is my blog. SEE HOW MUCH I LIKE CONTROLLING THINGS? I didn't even mean to type that. OK. I can control my closet and this blog. But that's it. Anyway. I realized some time ago that my periods of meditation aren't going to be periods of quiet emptiness. They actually tend to resemble something akin to conversation. Excerpt:

Me: "Well, you see, I've been trying really hard to..."

- "Have you?"

Me: "Yes! I think so... OK. Good point. I THOUGHT I was trying to let go and know that when You close a door You open a window and all that - but I'm so anxious sometimes. What if I'm not cut out to be a nurse? What if I'm not smart enough for school what if I don't make friends what if I let myself settle into being happy and actually BELIEVE that I can have the life I've always wanted (you don't mind a cliché, do you?) and then it all gets RUINED?"

- Laughter.

Me: "What??"

- "Haven't we been over this before?"

Me: "Yes."

- "OK. Let's start over. Let Me do this. I'm good at it. Better at it than you are, even. Trust Me. Trust. Me."

"O SON OF BEING! With the hands of power I made thee and with the fingers of strength I created thee; and within thee have I placed the essence of My light. Be thou content with it and seek naught else, for My work is perfect and My command is binding. Question it not, nor have a doubt thereof." - Bahá'u'lláh, The Hidden Words

Standards for living

My primary example for marriage was not a good one. Stony silence, or worse, polite conversation was the order of the day, as each of us moved in elaborate dance steps, trying desperately to ignore the problem that ate with us at dinner and tucked us in to bed at night. We all dealt with it in our own way - my father tried to be The Perfect Husband - cooking and cleaning, but not dealing with his anger issues or his resentment at my mom's withdrawal. My mom worked constantly, viewing 60-hour weeks and extensive travel as a way to cope until she felt my brother and I were past the age for drawn-out custody battles and summers and holidays in separate houses. My brother rebelled, pulling pranks that were not quite bad enough to get him arrested but were just enough to pull my parents' attention toward him. I simply tried to be perfect, getting good grades, joining everything from the cheerleading squad to the science club, and eventually establishing what I came to view as my handpicked family built from a group of tight-knit friends.

I'm realizing now just how strongly my idea of marriage as a "fortress for well-being and salvation" was influenced by the way I grew up. Marriage should be a place of safety, comfort, and love - but also an institution that is prepared for challenges and attacks, from within and without. There will be bad days, and worse days, and days where it may seem easier to just quit. That is when I must remember that I DO want what I grew up with - fighting and determination and stubbornness - but I will fight the desire to give up when life's challenges seem to be more than we can handle. I am determined to build a marriage that is worth defending - and one that will last forever. And I will stubbornly, stubbornly cling to the idea that it IS possible to be one-half of the old-couple-holding-hands-on-a-park-bench who love each other for the best and despite the worst.

"You may not remember the time you let me go first. Or the time you dropped back to tell me it wasn't that far to go. Or the time you waited at the crossroads for me to catch up. You may not remember any of those, but I do & this is what I have to say to you: today, no matter what it takes, we ride home together." - Brian Andreas

No translation necessary

"The purpose of religion as revealed from the heaven of God's holy Will is to establish unity and concord amongst the peoples of the world; make it not the cause of dissension and strife." - Bahá'u'lláh

Baha'i devotions are beautiful to me for this reason - the Faith brings together people from so many different backgrounds - and there we are, all gathered in one room, not necessarily speaking the same language, but all there to love the same God.

It's always apparent that the spirit behind these gatherings is so sparkling, so alive.

Sometimes (more often than not, actually) things happen that bring tears to my eyes and leave me completely in awe of God's power and presence.

We gathered on Saturday to break fast and pray. One of the men present was the president of the Muslim Student Association at UMKC. He offered to chant a prayer in Arabic. We debated having him translate this prayer for us, but came to the conclusion that it wasn't necessary. We did not need to understand the exact words being said - the intention behind it would be clear, and that was the most important thing.

He chanted a Muslim prayer, and we read the next prayer in English from a Baha'i prayer book. As we finished the reading, he looked up.

"That was the same thing I just said. Almost verbatim."

We smiled, and exchanged looks of disbelief. Why disbelief, I'm not sure. The intention was there - and so we all understood, whether or not we spoke the same language.

Perhaps you'd like my firstborn child, also.

I just got my schedule for the accelerated year of nursing school. They want my paperwork, proof of vaccinations, proof of CPR certification, and my soul sealed up and mailed back by August.

Think trimesters. Roughly 21 hours each. Two days off in October, two days for Thanksgiving, slightly over a week for Christmas. Four days for spring break. Four days for "intersemester break."

And THEN - August 8th, 2009. Pinning ceremony, and I'm FREE. Let the countdown begin.

A touch of random

It may be because it's 6 a.m., but this struck me as absolutely hilarious. It's a described as a "Portable Lunch Box Stove that plugs into your car's cigarette lighter! Now you can enjoy a hot lunch anywhere, anytime by using koolatron 12 Volt Lunch Box Stove! The Koolatron 12V Lunch Box Stove delivers what you've been waiting for - a hot lunch while you're on the road without stopping for a questionable roadside meal! You can cook your food at home and bring it with you on the road along with the Koolatron Lunch Box Stove for a home cooked meal anytime!"

Emphasis on "questionable roadside meal" is mine. Mainly because I suspect that anything that you could cook with this thing would probably be more questionable than something you'd be able to buy on the road.

Speaking of lunch, and questionable, has anyone ever heard of hotdog fishin' as a lunch idea? No? Prepare to be enlightened. And grossed out. (My comments in parenthesis.)

The description below was contributed by: Ruth Bartley on Oct 10, 2000 12:41:59AM (Ruth, did you actually make this for your children? If so, are they still speaking to you?)

Recipe Rating (Four stars as compared to WHAT? Sending your kid to school with a can of catfood?)

Estimated time to complete recipe: 10 min. Description of lunch box recipe: Lunch in a Thermos. Directions: Cook the hot dog, warm the soup of the child's choice. Tie a string around the hot dog, place it in the soup that you have put in the Thermos. (Can't you just see yourself in your bathrobe, sipping coffee, tying string on hotdogs for all the kiddos?) Make sure that you keep enough of the string to place it on the outside when you put the stopper in. Place the bun in a baggie for the hot dog. Your child now has a hot lunch!! (Junior high's not hard enough - make it better by forcing little Johnny to fish his lunch out of a thermos. Definitely beats cutting the crusts off of a PB&J and writing a loving note on a napkin.) Other suggestions and comments: This is great with tomato soup for the children that like ketchup on their hot dogs. All of mine love this. If you microwave the hot dogs, they taste just like you fixed them on the grill, and it only takes a minute. (A minute for lunch - a lifetime of terrible memories for your child!)