My biggest challenge in relationships has always been jealousy. Initially I thought it started in college, when my first "real" relationship ended after a planned camping trip was canceled early due to rain, resulting in a late-night visit to a boyfriend's house. This visit culminated with me walking in on him in bed with a girl whose name I will not mention here, though I still remember it, and her, as vividly as I remember the feeling of complete and total betrayal. When it comes up, I've always told this story with a twisted sort of amused self-deprecation, as if I didn't really mind, and as if the memory of that night doesn't cause my stomach to twist a little even now.
I've carried those feelings of betrayal and jealousy into every relationship I've had since then, always expecting that any sentence that begins with "I love you," will surely be followed by "but ________."
I wonder sometimes if this insecurity blanket that I carry with me goes back to my childhood, to the weeks when mom was gone on business trips and dad would wonder aloud what she was doing, or if she would come back. I wonder if it has to do with knowing that sometimes dad would search for nonexistent clues that mom was cheating, or if it's due to the fact that I realized before I turned ten that at least for my parents, "I love you" did not mean, "I love you and the person you are because you are independent of who I am, and I love the life that our separateness will enable us to build together." Instead, "I love you" implied possession, control, suspicion, and ultimately, failure and loss.
I am determined to fail. And I will lose. I am determined to fail to perpetuate this cycle. I will lose the feelings of jealousy and suspicion that have tainted former relationships. I refuse to hurt those I love by applying past behaviors to current situations.
I've been using a journal as part of my periods of prayer and meditation for some time, and two phrases are beginning to establish themselves as a clear theme.
Be not of those who doubt.
Act as if.
Clearly, negative associations from former relationships can no longer apply. Further, acting as though I must protect myself from being hurt may do just that - but it will most certainly prevent me from realizing the complete happiness that comes from being willing to trust. I will focus on accepting, learning from, and letting go of past experiences. I will make wise choices in the future. I will choose not to wallow in the past, or fear being hurt again. And I will believe that the Divine Someone who has planned everything to this point has also planned everything that is sure to follow. Because His vision is far superior to mine, I am giving up. I cede my desire to control to His ability to do so.
I will not be of those who doubt.
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14 comments:
Erin, this is both beautiful and heartening. Thank you for sharing it here. <3
I love you... simply because you are so amazing. :) *hug*
so in a slightly hilarious, but still sad coincindence, I am at juco only on tuesdays and thursdays. I still love you though! - Sarah
What a brave post. Love you. And the new photo (who took that?) and the Rumi poem.
This was really scary to post, actually. I consider this to be a pretty huge character flaw, and serving it up on a platter for everyone to read about was somewhat terrifying.
I really appreciate everyone being so loving - and for some reason, it helps me to know that people know I'm working on this - in one sense, I feel like it holds me accountable.
And I took the photo, actually. =)
Wow this really was amazing to read. It made me remember to do the same. Rumi ROCKS : )
The Tablet of Ahmad and 5 steps always makes me happy, feel safe and content. Thanks meyn : ) sometimes I forget to use those steps and my does life get interesting when I don't.
and um you no love Maysooni, you no add ami to you LOVES! hehehehehehehe
ahhh erin!! I feel like being honest(with yourself and people who love you) about something like this empowers you to stop the cycle. It is a declaration to the world of your intentions. Of course, the empowerment really comes alive with prayer. But so I think you are very brave and amazing for writing this. This quote makes me think of you transforming your family cycle.
"It is evident that nothing short of this mystic transformation could cause such spirit and behaviour, so utterly unlike their previous habits and manners, to be made manifest in the world of being. For their agitation was turned into peace, their doubt into certitude, their timidity into courage. Such is the potency of the Divine Elixir, which, swift as the twinkling of an eye, transmuteth the souls of men!"
Baha'u'llah
sorry if this comment is too long!!
Maysoon, you're officially added!
Madeline, There's no such thing as a comment that's too long. =)
Erin this is simply brilliant. Lorenia showed it to me. HOW have I not added you to my blogroll? You are amazing. Absolutely amazing for sharing this. I was agog reading it. Slapping the chair, jaw on the floor at your insight and transmutation. We all love you. So much.
Madeline, that quote is stunningly perfect.
Amazing entry, Erin. Honest, introspective and unafraid. Now I reallllly can't wait for April!!!
It's a fine line to walk and a delicate balance to strike: learn from the past but do not be defined and imprisoned by it. Bravo on your determination to strike the balance. I'm still trying too.
"Little by little Thou trainest me. Little by little Thou changest weakness into strength, doubt into faith and perplexity into understanding." Abdu'l-Baha
It's a fine line to walk and a delicate balance to strike: learn from the past but do not be defined and imprisoned by it. Bravo on your determination to strike the balance. I'm still trying too.
"Little by little Thou trainest me. Little by little Thou changest weakness into strength, doubt into faith and perplexity into understanding." Abdu'l-Baha
erin, this post was really wonderful. i like your admission that if you put this sort of thing out into the open then other people can hold you accountable. it's nice to surround oneself with the type of people who encourage the good in us to grow. much love. without strings or secret implications.
Thank you so much for your encouragement and love. Your string-free, secret implication-free love. I'm so thankful to have such an amazing group of people in my life. Love to you all!
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