Illusion of control

OK, I admit it.

This morning I actually turned to Google for advice. Some background: the last few weeks have presented the possibility of some pretty intense (but ultimately necessary) change in my life. Deep down, I know it's necessary, and I also know what I'm going to do. That knowledge still does not make it any easier to shut up my tendency to be extremely overly analytical.

Overly-analytical side: "What if it doesn't work?"
Me: "What if WHAT doesn't work?"
OAS: "Well, what if you don't find a real job?"
Me: "I don't have a "real job" now and I'm doing fine."
OAS: "Well, yeah, but what if you hate it?"
Me: "Um. Hate WHAT?"
OAS: "Well, what if you change? What if EVERYTHING changes?"
Me: "That's why I had to be sure of my motivation for doing this."
OAS: "But what are you going to DO with the rest of your life?"

Ahh. Thank you, Overly-Analytical Side. You always do come through, don't you? Well, to be honest, I don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I was talking about this with my best roomie, Sharon, last week - what if the things we're passionate about aren't things that we can use to earn a living? Do we strap ourselves in to some corporate job and just decide to deal with the fact that we're going to be stuck doing something we may not love from 8-5 in order to support a lifestyle we DO love the rest of the time? Or do we somehow manipulate the things we're passionate about into something that will earn us a living? (I do not like this term. It sounds like we should have to justify our right to a life that we love. But I digress.)

When I'm ignoring my OAS, I fully realize that ultimately, doing something you love is so much more important than doing something that is easily available or that pays well. Case in point - in college, I suffered through four years of coursework in bakery science. OK, not exactly suffered - I liked my lab classes, because we always got to eat our projects at the end. My internships weren't so bad, because they made for pretty cool stories, and really, what's not to love about Hostess cupcakes fresh from the oven? However, despite the scholarship money and the promise of immediate employment after graduation, I knew that in the long run I'd hate the work. So I switched majors, eventually graduated with a communications degree, and after two-ish years of food and nutrition labeling, got a "Great Job" in an ad agency. On the surface, life looked peachy - I was making more money than anyone (OK, probably not anyone, but everyone I knew) my age, and when people asked what I did, I got to say I worked in advertising. (After spending four years in bakery science, it was nice to have a job that I didn't have to explain.) In reality, though, I was working 6 days a week, 10 - 12 hours a day. I was able to afford a great vacation - but I had to take my cellphone in case clients needed me while I was gone. I was so stressed I spent most of my time either crying (at home) or throwing up (in the bathroom at work). I debated quitting for several months, but was always afraid of what would happen if I quit and had to start over. Then I got laid off, and had to start over. And it wasn't so bad. It was actually great.

I should have learned from that experience that despite what my overly-analytical side says, there's really no reason to panic about the distant future. I am only 26. I've already been a Mature, Responsible Adult for three years. Maybe it's time to just enjoy life for a while. As far as figuring out the rest of my life - here's what I know: I adore people. I like talking with them, and the things they tell me, and being able to do things to help them. I also adore medicine. I'm fascinated by the way the body comes together, and the way so many complex systems combine to produce such a seemingly simple outcome. That said, I don't believe that the physical side of the body is the only part to be treated - there's definitely a mind-body-spirit connection that should be considered. I guess that's why I'm having a hard time with nursing school - I should have been So Excited when I heard from Research College, but something still doesn't feel quite right.

Which leads me back to my original point - after getting the same answer from friends, and family, and prayer, and even myself when I stopped worrying about it, I turned to Google for advice. Oh, Google, what should I do with my life? Here's what I got, from a book by Po Bronson, called "What Should I Do With My Life?":

"Most attempt to answer [this question] with one eye open, one eye closed. We let our fears govern our decisions; rather than challenging the validity of those fears, we accept the boundaries set by those fears, and end up confining our search to a narrow range of possibilities, like the guy looking for his car keys under the streetlight because he’s afraid of the dark. Some broad examples: we confine ourselves to a range that is acceptable to our parents or our spouse; we confine ourselves to places inhabited only by people "like us," meaning of our class and education level; we place too much emphasis on being respected by an imaginary audience; we shy away from avocations that take a long time to mature and pay off...it isn't easy, but in a way that hard journey makes the result even sweeter."

Geez, Google. That's just the answer I got everywhere else I looked.