Leftovers

I've been completely emotional lately for no reason whatsoever. I feel unsettled, off-center, whatever you want to call it. The problem is, it's not consistent - I can deal with feeling consistently one way or another, but I go back and forth between being pretty content and being completely, totally sad.

I think it has something to do with being back in school after such a great break - and not only am I back in school, I'm at Real Actual Nursing School instead of just at small friendly JuCo, and it's a different atmosphere. I also think it has something to do with feeling like I never see people anymore - I spent so much time over break with so many people I love, and now I feel like I bounce between class, work, and homework with no time to do anything else but sleep. I also think it's partly that I feel like I don't know anyone well enough to be real yet - I mean, sure, we spend six hours a day together, but it's not exactly like I'm going to be anything but cheerful.

I think I just need some time to get used to everything. Maybe? Is that it? What's going on?

It makes me think of something New Friend Ben said in class today - "Drama is kind of like Chinese food. It's OK sometimes, but not very often, and you definitely don't want it sitting in your fridge."

I need to clean out the fridge.

Be not of those who doubt.

My biggest challenge in relationships has always been jealousy. Initially I thought it started in college, when my first "real" relationship ended after a planned camping trip was canceled early due to rain, resulting in a late-night visit to a boyfriend's house. This visit culminated with me walking in on him in bed with a girl whose name I will not mention here, though I still remember it, and her, as vividly as I remember the feeling of complete and total betrayal. When it comes up, I've always told this story with a twisted sort of amused self-deprecation, as if I didn't really mind, and as if the memory of that night doesn't cause my stomach to twist a little even now.

I've carried those feelings of betrayal and jealousy into every relationship I've had since then, always expecting that any sentence that begins with "I love you," will surely be followed by "but ________."

I wonder sometimes if this insecurity blanket that I carry with me goes back to my childhood, to the weeks when mom was gone on business trips and dad would wonder aloud what she was doing, or if she would come back. I wonder if it has to do with knowing that sometimes dad would search for nonexistent clues that mom was cheating, or if it's due to the fact that I realized before I turned ten that at least for my parents, "I love you" did not mean, "I love you and the person you are because you are independent of who I am, and I love the life that our separateness will enable us to build together." Instead, "I love you" implied possession, control, suspicion, and ultimately, failure and loss.

I am determined to fail. And I will lose. I am determined to fail to perpetuate this cycle. I will lose the feelings of jealousy and suspicion that have tainted former relationships. I refuse to hurt those I love by applying past behaviors to current situations.

I've been using a journal as part of my periods of prayer and meditation for some time, and two phrases are beginning to establish themselves as a clear theme.

Be not of those who doubt.

Act as if.

Clearly, negative associations from former relationships can no longer apply. Further, acting as though I must protect myself from being hurt may do just that - but it will most certainly prevent me from realizing the complete happiness that comes from being willing to trust. I will focus on accepting, learning from, and letting go of past experiences. I will make wise choices in the future. I will choose not to wallow in the past, or fear being hurt again. And I will believe that the Divine Someone who has planned everything to this point has also planned everything that is sure to follow. Because His vision is far superior to mine, I am giving up. I cede my desire to control to His ability to do so.

I will not be of those who doubt.

Hiatus

By the looks of things, I'm taking a bit of a break from blogging.

Yes, please.

Bali and Lombok, anyone?

Done!

My semester is over. Papers have been written, chapters read, tests taken, A's received.

On January 23rd, I start nursing school.

Until then, though...I will read. Books, real ones, of my choosing. I will attend the yoga class at my gym, and then sit in the sauna. I will enjoy long, leisurely lunches with friends. I will relish in not toting a 40-pound backpack from anatomy to the library to a ten-minute lunch to lab to microbiology.

I will lounge. I will love it.

Now commencing...relaxation.

A vow.

I will write a paper today. I will not use the internet as a method of procrastination. I will ENJOY writing about proper handwashing techniques as they effect pediatric nosocomial infections in the ICU. I will.

Volunteers?

You know how sometimes you're kind of stressed out (but not super stressed out) and you have a lot to do (but not so much you're not going to be able to get it done) except you're not going to really be able to start (at least, not yet) because you're just kind of staring at this big pile of STUFF you have to finish?

And you know how you think that you might not be able to even start until you just get a gigantic reassuring hug or at least the verbal reassurance that everything IS, in fact, going to be OK, just because that reassurance alone means that someone out there recognizes that you are able to do all of this (by "all of this" I mean work and school and life) without pulling your hair out and while still coming across as a relatively sane person?

Yeah, that's how I feel right now. So if anyone wants to drop by for a hugging, you're invited. I think a nap may have a similar effect, though, so I'll give that a shot too. And on Monday at 2:01 p.m., I will be normal again. Normal, of course, being relative.